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One of the greatest challenges in parenting is setting clear, consistent rules for your children. Although the content and consequences vary by age, consistency in enforcement remains crucial regardless of the age of the child. Here are some ideas to help with setting rules that are effective and consequences that are workable for you as a parent to enforce. Know your own rules. This seems obvious, yet how are children to know the rules if you don’t have a clear idea of what is important to you. Some rules are safety issues and are never negotiable, like crossing the street without looking or leaving the home without permission. Other rules set guidelines about how to treat others or family standards. Determine for yourself if your rules involve safety issues or values that you want to impress upon your child. Most parents have rules that fall in both categories. Make a list of rules that are important to you.
Make sure that the rules are clear. Define rules by specific behaviors. “Don’t get in trouble” leaves too much room for interpretation by both you and your child. “Treat me with respect” can be equally vague for a teenager. Behavioral requests such as: look at me when I am talking to you, do not begin to talk until I am finished, do not roll your eyes or walk away while I am talking to you are helpful. Have conversations about rules when they are not being broken. Define the rules with your children when you are not angry and when they are open to listening. If you chose, you may even explain why you are setting a rule. Keep in mind that an explanation does not open the rule to negotiation but rather allows for understanding. Discussing a rule prior to its violation allows for clear expectations for the child and consistency in enforcement from the parent. Set clear, simple consequences. These must also be discussed when the rules are set. There may be different levels of consequences. If a child breaks rule X, they might lose TV for a day. Subsequent violation may lead to a loss for a week or grounding (be sure to define what grounding means if you use it). Some safety rules may have more severe consequences on one violation to enforce the importance of the rule. Follow through on the consequences that are set. Without this step, setting rules is a worthless exercise. Help your self in this area by not setting up consequences that limit you. Don’t take away a movie if you want to see it. Determine how you will find support when enforcement is difficult.Parenting isn’t easy but rule setting and enforcement can become easier if you are intentional about your rules and consequences and are clear about how rules will be enforced.
Do You Really Want to Change?We’ve all heard the statistics about the likelihood of keeping New Year’s resolutions. Instead of talking about the failure of the New Year’s promise, here is some information about how to make those changes stick. According to Change Theory, there are six steps to making a change. The first is Precontemplation, when you first notice some discomfort with an aspect in your life. The second is Contemplation. In this stage, the problem becomes something that takes up some mental space. Many people are in the contemplation stage for weight loss after the holidays. The ads on TV and extra pounds begin to focus our attention on this topic. Those who are serious about changing, might move into the Preparation and Planning stage where they would come up with a plan, like joining Weight Watchers or setting a goal. They might also tell someone so that they had some accountability. Now it is time for Action. This involves really taking the plan and doing it. Setting goals is helpful, so that there is a target to work toward. Make sure that goals are specific, measurable and attainable, like 10 lbs by April 1. An unrealistic target can contribute to failure. Once a goal is reached, the next phase is Maintenance, where the change becomes more than an exercise but rather incorporated into the daily lifestyle. Finally, once this goal is achieved, proceed to the Termination phase to celebrate your victory. Weight was used a today’s example but this process can be useful in changing lifestyle habits as well. Think about what you would like to change in your life and set goals.
I am a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with over 9 years experience working with children, adolescents, young adults and adults, mainly in the area of grief and loss. Through my work at Brooke's Place for Grieving Young People, www.brookesplace.org, I have been taught by countless numbers of individuals, ranging in ages 3 - adults, about grieving the death of someone significant. Death is the ultimate loss. However, each loss in life is significant. My practice provides a safe place for you to work through any loss or relationship issue. Other areas I work with include depression, anxiety and self esteem. Grieving is natural and is your unique way of experiencing any loss. Choosing to grieve any loss is a courageous step. I will walk with you in your grief journey, at your speed and duration. How you choose to express your story is up to you. I will offer you acceptance while sharing your story. Are you experiencing loss through death, relationship, experiences from childhood, career choices, children transitioning, or other losses? Do you yearn for greater intimacy in relationships? Where there is death or loss, there is life, love, faith, hope and joy. Doing the work of grief is not easy; it IS REAL! And, you are worth it.
I help couples, families and individuals understand the patterns of thoughts, feelings and behaviors that keep them from having the relationships and the successes that they desire. I work with them to mobilize their ability and power to make the choices and changes that will make a real difference in their lives.
Kindness, Courtesy, and Respect: A Social Learning System is a video learning system that demonstrates children engaging in respectful behavior in everyday social situations. Presented in six realistic vignettes, children are shown learning about Kindness, Courtesy and Respect. A companion Users Manual includes discussion starters and worksheets that can be used by parents and teachers to re-enforce the key objectives discussed in the video. Educators agree that todays children increasingly lack social skills and respect for others. This video is a powerful tool to teach these skills. I will use it again and again.* *Kristi Kimberlin, Elementary School Counselor for the International School of Indiana.
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