Long Distance Relationship Tips

Let me describe an all-too-common conversation I've had with increasing frequency over the course of my career:

A parent enters my office and quickly begins crying. "My son speaks to me horribly. He is constantly berating me and criticizing my performance. Just last night he told me I'm the worst mother he knows. My feelings are so hurt."

Wow. Take a look at that last sentence. This mother's feelings have been injured by the comments of her child. The fact that her feelings have been hurt speaks volumes about the nature of her relationship with her son. And what it says is not good.

Let's begin with this fundamental contention: parents should never give their children the power to hurt their feelings. Our children can frustrate us, disappoint us, annoy us, delight us, or make us proud, but the relationship should never be one where our feelings can be hurt by anything our children say to or about us. Let's explore why.

Who is it that can hurt our feelings? Peers whose approval is important to us-friends, spouses, colleagues, other adult family members. But if our children can hurt our feelings-that is, if we give them the power to do so-it means that we want their approval. And if we want our children's approval, we don't have the sort of relationship with our children that they need from us.

Our job is to guide them, direct them, nurture them, restrain them, teach them, but it is not to have a good relationship with them or win their approval. They should be seeking our approval, not we theirs.

If you have given your children the power to hurt your feelings, then you have more of a peer-to-peer relationship with your child than an adult-to-child one. It seems preposterous to One of the greatest challenges in parenting is setting clear, consistent rules for your children. Although the content and consequences vary by age, consistency in enforcement remains crucial regardless of the age of the child. Here are some ideas to help with setting rules that are effective and consequences that are workable for you as a parent to enforce. Know your own rules. This seems obvious, yet how are children to know the rules if you don’t have a clear idea of what is important to you. Some rules are safety issues and are never negotiable, like crossing the street without looking or leaving the home without permission. Other rules set guidelines about how to treat others or family standards. Determine for yourself if your rules involve safety issues or values that you want to impress upon your child. Most parents have rules that fall in both categories. Make a list of rules that are important to you. Make sure that the rules are clear. Define rules by specific behaviors. “Don’t get in trouble” leaves too much room for interpretation by both you and your child. “Treat me with respect” can be equally vague for a teenager. Behavioral requests such as: look at me when I am talking to you, do not begin to talk until I am finished, do not roll your eyes or walk away while I am talking to you are helpful. Have conversations about rules when they are not being broken. Define the rules with your children when you are not angry and when they are open to listening. If you chose, you may even explain why you are setting a rule. Keep in mind that an explanation does not open the rule to negotiation but rather allows for understanding. Discussing a rule prior to its violation allows for clear expectations for the child and consistency in enforcement from the parent. Set clear, simple consequences. These must also be discussed when the rules are set. There may be different levels of consequences. If a child breaks rule X, they might lose TV for a day. Subsequent violation may lead to a loss for a week or grounding (be sure to define what grounding means if you use it). Some safety rules may have more severe consequences on one violation to enforce the importance of the rule. Follow through on the consequences that are set. Without this step, setting rules is a worthless exercise. Help your self in this area by not setting up consequences that limit you. Don’t take away a movie if you want to see it. Determine how you will find support when enforcement is difficult.Parenting isn’t easy but rule setting and enforcement can become easier if you are intentional about your rules and consequences and are clear about how rules will be enforced. At the risk of sounding like a dated Madonna song, we do live in a material world. As adults this effects our daily life but more importantly, it effects how our children are being raised and it is shaping the values of future generations. Our culture inherently supports the value of material items, especially for children. Go to McDonalds, get a toy, go to a birthday party and there is a treat bag full of goodies for you even though it’s not your birthday. Play on a game system that costs several hundred dollars using games that start at $30 each. Don’t forget that IPOD to listen to music but pay attention because there will be a newer, cooler model out in just a few months. So why is this a problem? Our children are happy and stimulated and some might say even enriched by these perks. Who wants to deprive their child of the best? Who wants to revisit the childhoods of generations past when there might have been poverty and not enough food? My concern is that the focus on material things creates a sense of entitlement for our children and creates a standard of living that they may not be prepared to perpetuate for themselves. I wonder how this effects the work ethic for children who have been taught that there are immediate rewards for everything that you do. It could send the message that there is little value to old things since there is always something new and little need to recycle. Finally, there is a psychological value to longing, to not getting what you want when you want it. This value includes developing the discipline to set long term goals, using creative thinking and problem solving skills to making the goal happen and finally the gratification of knowing that you accomplished the goal. American culture isn’t going to change any time soon but here are some ideas for things you can do at home to create some balance to combat the materialistic messages in society.Set an Example Be aware of the messages you send in your family about the importance of material goods. Are you trying to keep up with the neighbors? Is buying a big tag item a special occurance or an every day thing? Are you sending the message that how much “stuff” you have is important to you?Set Limits Teach your children the difference between privileges and needs. Have them contribute financially to items that are special so that they know how much they cost and feel like they have earned them. Don’t be afraid to say no, even if “everyone” has something.Model Gratitude Show your children that you appreciate what you have. Teach them about other countries or time periods that were less prosperous. Expect that your children be thankful when given something including requiring thank you notes. We are very fortunate to be living in a time and in a country of prosperity. It is important that we both show and teach our appreciation.

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